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No Handshake For Me Please!

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It is quite evident that handshakes are a widely acceptable form of greeting, except for the Jews who shun any kind of public touch between people of the opposite sex, and the Russians who have a dozen discouraging rules on how (not) to shake hands with different people. Basically, a handshake is automatically expected when you first bump into someone, failure to which you’ll be deemed rude and indifferent.
 
But hey, the world better introduce a new universally acceptable way of greeting because I ain’t shaking people’s hands no more! Here’s why;
 
Sweaty hands. Everybody’s hands sweat at some point during the day, and I religiously make it a point to wipe mine dry on a piece of clothing whenever this happens. It is therefore quite unflattering to offer your hand for a handshake, only to meet with a wet, slippery, sweaty palm.
 
Ok, yours are always dry, but are you the irritating hand-holder? These people tightly grip your hand, crushing every single bone, all this while smiling sheepishly at you. How is this even funny?
 
Then there’s the limp-fish. Whether they offered their hand first or you did, they never give a firm confident grip. You’d think there are thorns grown in your palms that would hurt their pretty little hands. Seriously, if you’re not in the mood for a handshake, then just don’t do it! Else you might be sending the wrong message about you.
 
I’m not forgetting the unhygienic individuals who pick their nose, sneeze into their hands or furiously scratch their groin just before offering you a handshake. Oh dear! This is not just totally disgusting, but embarrassing as well. Stop. Though I’ll still not shake your hand whether you stop or not.
 
Lastly, the avoiders. You’re shaking hands with them but there’s always something they are looking for on the ground, or up in the sky. Eye contact sweetie! Eye contact! You are giving a wrong impression of yourself when you are constantly darting your eyes all over the room during the whole process.
 
But really, whether all these change or not, I’m still not shaking anybody hands. We can fist bump, or peck each other on the cheek, or whatever other form of greeting I’ll find healthy and comfortable. No handshakes.
 
By the way, did you know that Donald Trump doesn’t shake hands? Here’s what he said about it, ‘The only thing better than a good handshake is no handshake at all. I’ve long said that handshakes are a bad idea because of all the germs people spread when they shake hands’.
 
There you have it. You still wanna shake somebody’s hands?

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